I Write

So what do I do when I'm in angst? I write. I'd like to say the first thing I always do is pray. It's not. 

NOT my journal

This morning was no different. Today we left our church service early because I was having a bit of an existential crisis. It bubbled up in the middle of a sermon on the first verse of the Lord’s Prayer. “Our Father who is in heaven, hallowed be your name.” During the sermon, I started typing a note on my phone to my kids, sitting on either side of me, about the angst that was pooling up inside me. The back and forth in my mind had very little to do with the sermon itself. On the way home, and for probably 20 minutes after that, the 3 of us talked through a lot of powerful stuff, right there on our couches. Suffice it to say I am so very thankful for the wisdom of my young men who were able to speak into my life at that moment. Calm my angst. Agree with my struggles. And point me back to Jesus and our purpose in this life. 

A question came to me:

When can be I the one who just GIVES instead of just the one who only NEEDS? 

I feel like I’m in this place where I just need constant help. Our home here is almost 60 years old. It needs a lot of maintenance that is beyond my skillset. Each small issue I find puts me in a tailspin. My close friends and my brothers, they know this is just what happens to me. Ever since Eric died, home maintenance issues are the one thing that pushes me down a rabbit hole of “woe is me”, “why did God take Eric?”, “why am I alone”? I know. I am not forsaken, or alone. In my head I KNOW that. But it’s the way the devil gets to me. Home maintenance. Seriously?!?!

our broken faucet

our broken pump

our broken lamp

And the things I can and want to do, like yard maintenance and culling flower beds, I feel so overweight and out of shape I’m unable to keep up with that either. I recall tending to Eric's plants in our greenhouse when he was sick, and feeling so at peace, even in the middle of cancer. Now yardwork feels SOOO much more like a chore than a pleasure.

Thank you to Dusty for taking time away from your family chores and helping me figure out a temporary solution to one of my maintenance issues this week. And if Ethan reads this, I pray you come for Thanksgiving again this year -- I'm making a list!

On a deeper level, I need spiritually and intellectually stimulating conversations. Working at home makes it challenging to find this. And on the one day during the week that I delve into the public forum (Sunday), I just don’t always get that stimulation on a Sunday morning either. Meanwhile, I do remember getting that kind of meat before, and remain extremely nostalgic for it. Deep-dive Bible study is happening at our current church, it just happens in smaller groups. Those settings can be intimidating to an introvert.  Or a single woman in a culture of married people. So I joined a regional Bible Study Fellowship group. We are going through Revelation— specifically this week —- the letters to the seven churches. So all of this is swirling in my brain as I sat through that first verse of the Lord’s Prayer this morning. Rather than listening and being filled, I was wrestling.

Thankfully, I have the boys. To quote Lynn Vincent in a recent World Magazine editorial piece where she talks about how her adult son reminded her that God’s got her and the medical diagnosis she’s dealing with: “There are times (such as when a good pity party really gets rolling) that you regret teaching your children well.” Haha! So after my sons reminded me of lessons I’d apparently taught them over the years…I realized I am both giving and receiving. Both. And.

I love this card sent to me by my friend Steve in September.

This message is not lost on me Steve! Thanks for being an encourager.

How am I GIVING? Right now the obvious answer seems to be to my clients (mostly). I need to recognize that how I gave before, in the last 10 years, may have shifted. My sons are now adults. My environment has changed. So while it feels different, serving my clients is still a legit way to give.

Last week I had lunch with a fascinating young client. She is a real estate agent. In my meeting with this girl, in this one 90-minute session at a pizza joint, we talked about faith and family and dogs and God’s sovereignty. With people I encounter day-to-day I LONG for that type of deep discussion. Can I ever get enough of these types of encounters?? She told me paying my bill each month is the “best $150 she spends.” I am humbled by this. I never imagined my vocation could make an impact like that. I am meeting a need for her, apparently inspiring and encouraging her (and yes, checking her accounting work and answering questions when/if she has them.)

Another one of my clients is a fish broker. He recently labeled me the “angel of the fish business.” I had basically added up a handwritten invoice with a calculator and alerted the vendor to a math mistake. Not rocket science. Definitely didn’t feel like anything close to angels working miracles. But to him it is a critical need that he appreciates (which he also happens to be paying me for.)

I could go on.... I guess when I am spending most of my time during the day interacting with clients, it is only natural for that to be how I’m fulfilling my mission. Keaton said that I told him just having integrity, being who God made me to be, and pointing people back to Jesus (the source) is the ultimate witness for Christ. Hmm. I said that???

Keaton also reminded me that it is okay to NEED. It humbles us to reach out to others for help. This is a lesson I definitely learned for the first time during Eric’s cancer diagnosis. And the Lord is again stretching me in those ways now. It’s like He knows when we are getting complacent and pushes us into a new environment to stir up the need again. The need for more of Him. The need to be in relationship with other people. We should never feel sorry that we shared our vulnerability with someone. Vulnerability begets vulnerability.  And both boys gave me a hug. (I need those too!)

As August faded into September and September slid into October, I have not blogged much. It's been a new routine for us, as it often is each beginning of the new school year. But it did occur to me why Fall was always my favorite season here growing up. While experiencing plenty of glorious sunshine, it is not exceedingly hot. Mornings are cool but not cold. Wind is light and not full of dirt. No tornadoes in the Fall. Our lantana bush is bursting with color. All in all, I am thankful. And it's turned out to be a good Sunday.

Revelation 2:7 "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will grant to eat the tree of life, which is the paradise of God."