Say it Again: "Not my will, but yours..."

Last night around 9pm, the boys piled onto my bed for a chat, as they so often do.

Some parents tuck their kids into bed.  My kids tuck me in.  Usually they request a story about when I was a kid.  Or when they were babies.  But this night Cole began with a question:  "Mom, which of your parents did you love best?"

Ahhh.  Feels like a trick question.  This is when I start praying for wisdom...

Me: "Well, I loved both my parents in different ways.  But my mom did some things that broke up our family and caused a divorce that was really hard for me to understand."

Keaton: "I thought your parents were separated at death."

Me: "No. My parents had been divorced a few years before my mom died.  So at some point I came to appreciate my dad a bit more.  But I still loved my mom."

Cole, as he snuggles a little closer to me: "Oh, so you know exactly how I feel."

Slam!  My heart.

Keaton: "Cole! Don't say you like Dad better than Mom!"

Cole: "I'm sorry.  I love you Mom.  But Dad took us to work with him and he was so fun."

Me: "Ha! You get to be with me everyday while I'm working!"

Cole: "But your work is so BOOOOORing!"

Me: "Yea.  I know Dad was fun.  That's why I miss him too.  I get it."

Cole: "Why didn't you die? And he stay?"

Me: "I ask that question myself a lot.  I don't understand it all.  But God has this great big plan. And evidently He wanted ME here to take care of you.  I can tell you right now if it was Dad here, you would probably be in in public school.  (Collective gasps from wide-eyed boys! I promise I have not described public school as scary, EVER. I mean I WENT to public school! It's what they read and see on TV....)  There's no way he could homeschool you and still be a barber."

What's going on in the boys' heads, processing, grief, so often mimics what goes on in mine.  Yes, still.  Sunday morning a sweet friend hugged my waist and with tears in her eyes, said, "I've been praying for you lately.  I know it's been a couple of years since Eric's been gone, but we haven't forgotten.  You are not forgotten. We love you!"  Thank you!  Because I feel like I'm the only one stuck some days.

I'm reminded of a song on the radio: "I know you're good.  But this don't feel good right now.  I know you think of things I could never think about...."  Not my will, but yours be done Lord.


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Lest you think we ended on a downer...nope!  We had a big group hug with Cole in the middle, and I said it was a Cole-sandwich.  Keaton said:

COLE is C-heese
YOU are L-ettuce
I am K-etchup

Then we all joined in the fun.

What is Lucy? (the dog) L-emons.  Yea.  Lemons.
Eric would be?  E-ggplant?  (uproarious laughter!)
Aldan would be?  An A-rtichoke?  (more raucous guffaws!)
Julia could be?  J-elly.  Yes! (hilarious fun!)

So they headed to bed laughing about our big family sandwich, still giggling about Aldan the artichoke and Eric the eggplant.  God is good.

Luke 2:41-43: And He (Jesus) withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, saying, "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." Now an angel from heaven appeared to Him, strengthening Him.