Back on the Water-A Familiar View

Yesterday was a hot summer day around here. I know, "hot" is relative, of course, but hot for this island is about 80 degrees. Hot enough for a lake day. Our friends have been working on their boat with the goal of getting it out on the lake this summer. Sunday was the day. We made a plan to meet at one of our friend's lake property...

And then the panic started. I was realizing it had been B.C. (before cancer) that we were at the lake. I started to rehash all sorts of "stuff". I wept. I don't understand how it comes in waves like that, the grief. I knew in my head that we would probably have fun, but you know those "firsts" are scary when they come. The first holiday without him, the first birthday without him, the first anniversary without him, the first everything. This Sunday was the first time being on the water -- without him. My insides were seizing up.

The kids recognized it too. In fact they commented on the drive over that they hardly remember the lake since they were so small when we lived there. Two summers prior to moving from the lake we had borrowed a boat and had such a blast. Well, yesterday was no exception. It did turn out wonderfully. Cole even said, "Mom I had the greatest time today! All I can remember from when we were little at the lake was Keaton wanting me to go in deeper than I really wanted to." I did not get in the water myself (this Northwest water is not nearly warm enough for me...) but the guys did. And they had fantastic time with friends.

And my fears of an emotional meltdown all dissipated as an interesting scenario unfolded. We started out, just a few of us in the boat taking a little cruise, headed to where we used to live on the other side of the lake. I lot of stuff was going on in my head. I was glad to be on the water. And I thought it would be cathartic, just rip off the band-aid, see the old house and move on with my life. Now this boat is an old boat and has been in storage for 15 years. But it has received some major TLC and maintenance in the last few weeks and our friends had already taken a spin around the lake before we arrived. But when I was in the boat, and we were almost to within sight of our old house and the engine sputtered and gave out. We called our friend for a tow. And then kind of drifted in the middle of the lake. We tried the engine again and it turned over, so we began heading back to the dock where we'd come from. Due to this unfortunate series of events, I never even had to see where we used to live. Sparing me more heartache. I count it a small blessing.

Okay, so maybe I'm over-dramatizing it a little. But I really did feel like it was a miracle that I didn't have to feel that rush of memories. When I was talking to my brother about the stress and anxiety all of this produced in me, he reminded me this is just life. I was feeling overwhelmed emotionally (our cat is pregnant, our flooring is halfway done, Keaton's starting driver's ed, school starts in a month, CPA review is going to take 400 more hours, blah, blah, blah) and he just calmly talked me off the ledge. Life is hard sometimes. But it just is what it is. We just have to keep walking it out. 

Turned out to be a great day at the lake! Because we had called our friend for help, he and his wife came down to their property and spent the afternoon with us. One of their sons came over (who also works with me) and his roommate (who used to live around the corner from us) and zipped around on a jet-ski. Four of their other children also hung out with us. Another guy from work drifted by in his boat with his family. And we were able to borrow our friend's boat and pull the boys all around the lake on a fancy inner-tube. We had a picnic and relaxed and chatted and I was glad to make it through another first.

Psalm 136:1 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.